So just how do you deal with Bitterness? The truth is that everyone probably deals with it differently. As for me, I think the first step to beating down Bitterness is forgiveness. We are called to forgive. I think the bible is very clear about this topic. Jesus was sent to be our sacrifice for our sins, our evil. He came to take the punishment for our wrongdoings. Through him, we are forgiven. It is free to us, it is through grace by which we receive this forgiveness, we do not deserve his forgiveness. It is strictly through grace. We are called to forgive others, just as we have been forgiven. To me this parable sums up this entire concept quite well:
New International Version (NIV)
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold[b] was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.[c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
In life, I think it is often way too easy to be like the ungrateful servant. We look for forgiveness when we fall short and totally mess things up. But when someone sins against us, it is often hard to turn and provide that same grace. It is easy for us to say to the other person, that they need to forgive others, but really, really hard when the offense is made against us to provide that same grace. We have been wronged and our human nature dictates that we should seek some revenge or that the offender must somehow pay for what they have done. But we are commanded to provide grace, to forgive. Anyone who tells you that forgiveness is easy, is a liar, its not. Plain and simple, it is extremely difficult. It is not a natural way for us to think or react. It is one of the most difficult things the we will be ever faced with.
Over the past couple of years, I have been faced with this challenge. I have been harmed, betrayed, and hurt deeply by those close to me. I had a choice to make. To forgive or to be bitter. I choose the path of forgiveness. It was not easy, in fact I would say that choice has been one of the most difficult paths I have ever chosen in my life. And a path that I am still walking each and every day. It is hard. At times it also sucks as you have to put aside natural reactions like rage, anger and bitterness. But I can truly say that it was one of the best decisions of my life.
Looking back I truly believe that without this choice, I would be consumed with bitterness and anger – but worst of all I would have been able to justify it all. That is what makes the path to bitterness so challenging. As you get deeper and deeper in it, your actions and its evil become easier and easier to justify – you are the one in the right, you are the one that has been harmed, thus you are not only OK to be bitter, but you are justified. Through this process I thought I would share some of the things that I have learned:
1. Forgiveness is not a one time thing: Most people think that once you have made the choice to forgive, that it is done, its over – you have forgiven. I don’t think this is true, I think it is a continual process. Sometimes it requires forgiving daily. I would forgive, but then the next day, those same feelings would reappear and I would have to do it again. Thus I think we should approach forgiveness knowing that it is a constant process, not a one time deal.
2. We will feel like we are the one losing: When we choose to forgive, we are giving grace, meaning the other person does not deserve our forgiveness, but we are giving it anyhow, despite what they have done. Yes we feel like the losers. I know I felt like I was the victim, yet I was the one that had to give something. Shouldn’t I, the victim, be the one who gets something from this ordeal? Yep, when you forgive, you feel like the one losing.
3. There are no Buts in forgiveness: Often times we forgive like this: “I forgive you, but you did something really, really bad.” That doesn’t count as forgiveness. Remember this is about grace, the sinner doesn’t deserve our forgiveness, but we are giving it to them, free from conditions. But’s are conditions. So if we forgive with a but, we are not really forgiving. Even worse, when we forgive with a But, we are deceiving ourselves into thinking that we actually did forgive, however, the reality is the but negates the forgiveness.
4. Not everyone will understand it: We live in a society that feels entitled, we should be compensated for anything and everything that has a negative impact on us. Forgiveness is counter-culture to the ideas that exist in our culture today. Not everyone will understand your choice to forgive. That is OK though, don’t expect everyone to understand because they won’t.
5. Check your actions: One common problem when we forgive is that we tell ourselves, that we forgive someone, we tell them and think all is well, but then in the next moment we are talking poorly about that person or spreading gossip about what happened. Our actions speak loudly, forgiveness didn’t happen if we forgive in one moment, but then talk smack in the next moment. Our actions need to reflect our heart and our choice.
6. It’s not about them, it’s about us: The main reason we are called to forgive is for us, only a small portion of the process is for the sinner. Its really about us and our heart and keeping ourselves free from anger, hatred and bitterness. We forgive to free ourselves from bondage, not just to free the sinner.
I think a lot of this can be summed up in a great quote from the Return of the Jedi, from Luke Skywalker to his father, Darth Vader ( a man consumed by bitterness, fear and anger)
“Search your feelings, Father, you can do this. I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate.”
That is why we are called to forgive, to let go of our hate, our anger, our bitterness and when we do, I think that we will be happier for doing it.
So I am going to interrupt my planed blog schedule to give a little fist pump. (follow up to Bitterness coming Sunday). Today marks two years since brain surgery for me! Since surgery, Goliath has done nothing but shrink!! Also I am now officially two years since my last seizure! Which is awesome as well. Its two years to say thanks to some answered prayers! (A quick note this is being posted on the 22nd, but the 21st was the day of my surgery and I wrote this on the 21st!)
Here is my MRI prior to Surgery (Its pretty easy to spot Goliath!):
Here is how Goliath looks as of October (my last MRI) Note Goliath is circled in red, the white part above is where my brain was most impacted by surgery.
Also here are a couple of the cool things that I have still been up to, despite Goliath:
Sharkfin Tower – Summer 2013
7 SAR Race – October 2013
With still much, more to come!
I haven’t written for awhile, but have been working on some thoughts… So many that I am actually going to break out things into my next three blog postings as it would be too big to leave as one post. So here it goes…
Bitterness. Lately I feel like I have been surrounded by bitterness. I feel like I am watching people around me, who are close to me, people who I care about, battling a full on attack of bitterness. It has been hard to watch, hard to witness. What is bitterness? I would describe bitterness as anger put into a crock pot. Crock pots are great ways to cook things We throw a bunch of stuff into the pot and then we let it simmer on low heat all day. Lots of times we throw in bones with meat still hanging on. However by the end of the day, the crock pot strips all the meat and flesh off and leaves just the bones behind. Doing that, it provides quite the flavor when its all said and done. Plus its easy to do. If we don’t attend to our anger properly, it is like the bones with the meat still on, it sits in that crock pot and simmers on low heat, this process converts that anger into bitterness, by cooking it slowly over time – it traps in all the flavor and doesn’t let anything out.
What makes bitterness so difficult is that it comes on in disguise, We don’t recognize that it has us in its grasp. The smell though, just as the crock pot does, permeates the entire house. Everything is covered in bitterness. But because it happens on a low simmer, we aren’t even aware of what just happened. We become the frog that is killed in the water that has the temperature slowly raised over time. The frog adapts and adjusts to the small increases in temperature until its too late and the frog dies. Bitterness is similar, it clouds our thoughts, our thinking, it even allows us to change history, by allowing us to revise our own version of what happened to fit its new evil plan. We know that we are right and everyone else is wrong, we believe in the bitterness, because its pits us against the world. A world that has wronged us, thus we have the right to be mad, to be angry. All of our actions, no matter how evil, become justified. Now anger in itself is not bad, its a natural emotion. We are made to feel anger. But at the same time we are instructed to let it go. Even Jesus got angry. Read Matthew 21 – 12:13. Jesus flips over the tables of the money changers as they are cheating people by using rigged systems. He gets flat out angry about what they are doing. Yes anger is OK. Bitterness is not just borne out of anger, but born from us hanging onto it and then letting it simmer over time. I think bitterness can come from being angry based upon people’s actions towards us – mainly negative actions towards us and it also can come from being angry about things that we have no control over. In one case we take a hurt that was inflicted on us and allow it to slowly take over our thoughts. We allow that trespass to consume our thoughts and actions. In another case we feel that someone or something has to pay for the injustice that we received. Its like being mad at the weather for ruining our plans. Yet we can’t control the weather.
One of my first posts that I ever made was regarding my faith (Its titled “Faith” and was written 11/19/11). And how my faith was forged on a mountain, when I was praying that my Dad would be healed from cancer. The answer that I received was not what I wanted. I wanted a story of a miracle, the story of redemption and healing. But the answer I got was that my Dad was going to die. My prayer was not going to be granted. The opposite of my wish was going to come true. I was angry and upset. I was upset as I thought that there are still things that my Dad needed to teach me. The response I received was that he had already taught me everything that I needed to know. That he had nothing else to teach me. So now, when I am perplexed by life, I find myself stopping and asking, “Ok, what did my Dad teach me about this?” Recently, I found myself asking that about bitterness. What did my Dad teach me about how to deal with bitterness?
As I thought about it, I realized that he taught me two important lessons while he was alive. The first occurred when I was in high school and revolved around his relationship with his Dad, my grandfather. The second was how he handled his diagnosis with terminal cancer. Which I find a little bit ironic as I have now been faced with that same difficult reality.
My grandfather was an alcoholic. This was actually something that growing up, I had no idea about. You see during my time as a child, he was sober. When we were around him, he was a wonderful Grandfather, care, fun and loving. My Grandfather was an inventive and creative person, he would collect pieces of driftwood, shells and other items and then turn them into amazing pieces of art. It was always fun to look through his most recent creations of characters, each with their own theme. He was a creator, which is important to note as it is much harder to create than destroy. I know that well from building Legos with my boys. I can spend hours building something only to see it ruined in about 5 seconds. Creation is challenging and requires hard work and sacrifice, where as destruction is easy and works even if someone is lazy. But that is my memory of my Grandfather as a kid. He was unique in his own way, but he was a creator. He was a builder.
When I was in high School, one night my Dad got a call from my Grandmother. My Grandfather was drinking again and he was out of control and she wanted help. My Dad grabbed me and told me that I was going with him. We got in the car and headed to Shoreline. My Dad provided me with some background during the drive. The revelation that my Grandfather was an alcoholic was now known to me.
He prepped me on what I was going to see. He provided some insight to growing up with an alcoholic Dad. When we got there, the pep talk did not prepare me for what I saw. I saw a person that I did not recognize. I did not know that person whose actions I witnessed that night. This was not the person whom I knew that was an amazing creator. This was not the person who I knew as a child. He was not the Grandfather that I knew growing up. He was someone consumed by bitterness. He cursed the world, he cursed everything for putting him in the life that he led. Bitterness clouded his thoughts, his judgement, his words, his actions. I didn’t know that person. Bitterness had reduced him to a shell of his true self and the alcohol was the vise that fanned that flame. The alcohol became the release valve on that crock pot filled with anger.
The reality of the fact set in, my Dad had lived through that growing up. He had witnessed that battle with bitterness many times before. To me it was new, but not to him. I am pretty sure that lesson that he hoped I would learn was the harm and damage that alcohol could do. That lesson hit home, loud and clear. I actually still have my Grandfather’s AA certificate of completion as a reminder of the destruction that alcohol can cause and I keep it as a reminder of the Grandfather that I knew – the creator, not the person consumed with bitterness. Not the person who allowed alcohol to control him. The other lesson I learned that night was about bitterness. I think that my Dad should have been extremely bitter towards his father. He had every right to be bitter about growing up dealing with the alcoholism. It was about six months after that night, my Grandfather would commit suicide.
Yes I think that my Dad should have been bitter. Most people would have, most would have been filled with bitterness and resentment. But my Dad wasn’t. He never said anything bad about his Dad. He obviously wished that alcohol hadn’t consumed him, but he never spoke poorly about him. He still loved him, despite his flaws and shortcomings. He made the choice not to be bitter. He chose to break that cycle. He chose not to let that same bitterness gain a foothold in his life. That was the main lesson I learned from that night.
The second lesson on bitterness I learned through watching him deal with a terminal diagnosis. Sure he was angry, mad and afraid about being diagnosed with cancer. Truth be told, I can’t compare my diagnosis to his as his was far, far worse than what I have. But he did not let the bitterness enter. He kept his head high and fought the good fight. When he was diagnosed, the doctors gave him one year to live. He didn’t quite make that one year before he died. He did everything that you could ask someone to do in order to fight. And during that time, he was not bitter about the whole thing.
The greatest moment I spent with my Dad before he died actually occurred only a few days before he died. He had crashed and was basically brought back from the dead. He had regained consciousness after being out of it for awhile. It was the middle of the night, I was sitting by his side, I had been on his case ever since he was diagnosed that he needed to workout and keep fit. He looked at me and asked me to help him with his exercises. We sat there, I worked with him through his workout routine, consisting of exercises using surgical tubing. He pushed through the complete routine as best as he could. He knew the end was near, but he wasn’t bitter, he wasn’t angry. To me I have always viewed that moment as his way of saying goodbye. Not bitter, not angry, but holding his head high and doing what he set out to do. Pushing through, working hard.
Honestly when I look around I see people filled with bitterness, It breaks my heart. Truthfully, I think, if there is anyone who should be bitter and angry in this world, that person should be me. After the last two years of my life and the cards I have been dealt, you would think that I should be a little bit bitter. But then I think of the lessons I learned from my Dad and I think to myself: actually he is the person who should have been bitter. He is the person who was dealt the bad hand. But the truth is that he chose not to be bitter. He chose not to be consumed by things that he could not control. I learn from his lesson and thus I choose not to be bitter, not to be consumed with anger, not bitter about things I can’t control nor about the things that have been done to me by others. No I will not be bitter. And I would encourage you not to be bitter either. All we have to control is how we handle what life throws at us. How we react is our choice. And as for me, I know what I don’t choose, and that is bitterness.
So in a week and a half, there are two awesome events coming up where you can jump in and support Defeat Goliath!! Both should be great fun!
The first is Friday Night October 11th. My Rotary Club – The Rotary Club of Kirkland Downtown is hosting an Acapella night featuring incredible groups from both the University of Oregon and The University of Washington. Yes those schools have a football game on Saturday! Anyhow come out and watch some great performers! All net proceeds of the event will go to benefit the Chris Elliot Fund, where I have been serving on their board! They work with patients and caregivers of brain cancer patients to make sure they have immediate access to the care they need. You also might get to hear me say a few words to top off the fun night!
It’s at Lake Washington High School and starts at 7:30
Here is a sample of what you will hear!
The second event is the 7 Summits Adventure Race on Saturday the 12th
Defeat Goliath has a team you can still sign up and join us! It is the first themed obstacle course race around. Its only 7 miles and will feature some amazing challenges. I would encourage everyone to sign up and join team Defeat Goliath!
Hey if some dude with terminal brain cancer can do it, so can you!
When you sign up there is an option to join a team, by selecting that you can then select Defeat Goliath! We are going to race as a team and use team work, so don’t be afraid to join us!
Hopefully you can make one or both. I am pumped for both events and would love to see you there!
This past weekend was the Seattle Brain Cancer Walk. Once again, I was the captain of Team CEF/Defeat Goliath, and once again it was an amazing success. I am left speechless at the generosity, support and love that I have received since my brain cancer diagnosis.
I was surprised though by how different this year felt to me compared to last year. To start, last year I was in the middle of a chemo cycle, so I was basically in a fog the entire day last year, I actually went home after the walk and slept for four hours. The Friday before was by far the worst day I experienced during my 12 months of chemo cycles. Last year’s walk was much more emotional for me as well. Just grasping the fact that people are here walking with me, supporting me, however it is not just because they care about me, but its because I have brain cancer – a brain cancer that currently medicine can’t heal, can’t fix. A cancer that won’t go into remission, it will always be a part of me for the rest of my life. A cancer that if the odds are correct, will not allow me to watch both of my kids graduate from high school. That is a tough realization to wrap your head around. A mix of anger and sadness that is tough to explain. We had the largest team in 2012 – the most walkers. We raised over 12K for brain cancer research. I didn’t know what to expect, how to feel, what to do. At times I just felt like crying. It was a glorious, but difficult day for me. Happy depression is how I would sum it up.
The 2013 walk, I felt a lot more hope. I am almost to two years since my surgery, I have been through 12 months of chemo. And now, aside from my scar, I don’t think that anyone, who didn’t already know, would be able to tell that I am living with brain cancer. Hope that the tide might turn for survivors, that something big is near. I found great hope in the fact that we heard doctors from multiple institutions speak at the event. Hope that we will see the brightest and best in Seattle start to completely collaborate together and work as a unit to fight for a cure. The speakers included my doctor by the way.
I saw hope in watching Brian Nelson, his wife Lisa, who joined Team CEF/Defeat Goliath and the huge amount of supporters that came and walked with him. He was diagnosed with brain cancer in the past year. I saw hope in that the fact they were not doing this alone, but had a great amount of supporters that are surrounding them, lifting them up. I know that brain cancer is not something that you can fight by yourself, you can’t be in isolation. You need an army of people battling with you, carrying you along the way, cheering you on, giving you meals, giving you rides, giving you hugs, giving you laughs, just being with you down the journey. At the walk Brian was awarded for being one of the top individual money raisers for 2013.
I saw hope in the survivors that I have met the last few year, the fact that they are still here, still fighting, not giving up. Yes the people in light green survivor shirts give me great hope.
I saw hope in the sea of Kelly Green EndBrainCancer shirts that were everywhere on Saturday. I saw hope in people like the Bohner’s who were responsible for making the shirt a reality. Thank You! That was Awesome!!
I saw hope in all that I have learned since November of 2011, what real grace is like, what forgiveness truly means, that you should always go two miles and not just one, that there are lots of things at work that are beyond my understanding, how to receive, what humility really is, not to waste the time that we have, to have no regrets, what it means to have “moving day” friends, to cherish each and every second that I have been given, to fight but also to know when I should rest, and most of all that hope can lift anything. And for all of these lessons, I am truly thankful.
I saw hope in all of the people that have lifted me up for almost two years, keeping my head above water, keeping me grounded, for all of you, I am truly grateful. Thank you for making it a day of Hope for me.
Yes what a difference a year makes!
The results: we had the second largest team and raised over 22K this year! So thank you to all of you! Thank you for lifting me up, supporting me and making the walk an incredible day of hope!
Team Defeat Goliath/Team CEF will be back at the Seattle Brain Cancer Walk once again! September 21st is the day. Last year we had the largest team in terms of number of walkers! It was a wonderful day and great to feel the amazing support!
For 2013 I am super excited about two things: 1. I will not be on a chemo cycle as I was last year during the walk! So I will actually have some energy. 2. We have a shirt sponsor! So for everyone that has been drooling over the Defeat Goliath tech shirts, well if you are one of the first 150 people to join my team, you will receive a free DG Tech shirt! Plus we are going with an awesome Kelly green for the walk shirts. Team DG will be decked out this year for sure!
Click on the link below, once there, click on REGISTER, then select join a team, search with the word CEF, then click on the join us button and viola you will be walking with Team DG wearing your new awesome tech shirt. Thanks to all for your support!
The registration fee goes up on September 4th, so register now!
Also save the date on Friday, October 11th, as a great event is in motion, more information to come….
So last week was supposed to be a great week. However it turned out to be very difficult.
My anniversary was on Monday. Jess and I have been married now for 13 years. My plan had been to write about the things I have learned over those 13 years. I had planned to talk about how I have learned that marriage is work, it takes energy, you need to put into it in order to get something out. It is a wonderful thing, but at the same time, not every day is going to be like your wedding day. The inside of my wedding ring bears the inscription, “Love never fails”. I believe that to be true, love doesn’t fail – its perfect. However as people, we do fail love. We are not perfect. We make mistakes, we don’t follow through, we become selfish, we choose the “easy” path instead of the challenging – but correct path. We as people cause love to fail. To me, the biggest trait of love is sacrifice. In order to find love, we have to be willing to sacrifice. I think for everyone that looks a little bit different. But we have to be willing to put ourselves second. That is not an easy thing to do. I know that it sounds so easy to say, but to walk that out every day is not so easy.
It means to be willing to forgive, when you feel like you can’t. It means to turn the other cheek, when all you want to be is angry. It means being willing to forget, when all you want to do is remember. It means asking for help, even when you don’t want to. It means going to a chick flick instead of an action movie. It means turning off football. It means doing those things you know that you should, but for whatever reason just don’t feel like doing. Above all, it means doing the right thing, and not expecting anything in return. To give freely with no expectation of anything in return is what love truly is. We live in a world in which we are supposed to always get something in return. Love is giving freely with no expectations. Once we can do that, we have found love.
It has been 13 years, some of the best times ever. However it has also featured some of the lowest times ever. But through the tough times, our marriage has seen perseverance, sacrifice, a willingness to ask and receive help, a commitment to work through things together and and the willingness to fight in order make it work. Here we are 13 years later, now with a little gray hair – Ok at least me, but still as one, looking forward to many more years in the future.
Back to the reason for the tough week – no it wasn’t my anniversary that got me down. We had to make a very tough call with our super buddy – basically our first child (sorry Colby), our black lab Logan, we made the choice to put him down last week,
Growing up, I always wanted a dog. My Dad though was allergic to dogs, so we could never get one. We ended up with Bingo – a Grey Cockatiel. (insert wuhoos here.) Yes I grew up with a bird as a pet. Bingo and I never really did see eye to eye. Most of the time, was spent with him trying to bite me. He would bite and poop about every 20 minutes, yes he would poop on people! The moral of the story here is that I really wanted a dog.
After Jess and I were married, one of the first big decisions we made was to get a dog. We settled on a black Labrador. We named him Logan. After the mountain in Canada. He was born in 2001. Our first year of marriage we lived in a townhouse on Cougar Mountain. It was great, but had no yard, so we had to take him out to go to the bathroom, rain or shine. We had Jess’s sister Tara, come over on her lunch break each day to let him out. We started him out early with hikes and walks. When he was super little, he used to just stop on walks and would refuse to move, thus you would have to carry him home sometimes. But he was a quick study and soon he was a super trooper when it came to hikes, walks and runs. He was trained to never poop in the middle of a trail and soon went on every hike with us. He has hiked just about everything in the I-90 corridor. His high point is the South Sister in Oregon (10,000 ft.). His longest continuous hike is 42 miles (straight through). Besides being my constant morning running buddy, he helped me train for 3 marathons and 3 ultra marathons. His list of peaks would make most people jealous – as when I say just about everything in the I-90 corridor, I really mean everything. He has hiked Cascade Pass in the North Cascades national Park (yes that one landed me a nice fine as dogs are not allowed there!) He hiked Mt. Pugh – which features 5,800 ft of gain. I could write several pages of his list of hikes and places that he has been that are awesome.
He was a big fan of the snow and used to look like a porpoise in the snow cruising down while I would be skiing. My favorite snow place to take him was always Mt. Amabalis off I-90. One time he actually cut right into me and totally took me out and sent me head over heals down the mountain – complete yard sale. Although not trained as a hunting dog, he has caught a grouse.
Throughout all of my training for mountains, running races, adventure races, etc., Logan was my constant trail buddy. I have done lots of solo trips in my life, but I also did lots of trips with Logan – which made them not so-solo trips as he was with me. He was the perfect trail buddy. He never complained, always was ready for more and was always there.
He was a lake dog too. He perfected the art of jumping off Chuck and Gayle’s dock into lake Sammamish. He was a fantastic swimmer and could swim with 3 tennis balls tucked away in his mouth. Taking him to the dog park to swim would always mean saying sorry to all of the dog owners whose tennis balls Logan would steal in the water. It was rare to see a dog that could fetch in the water faster than Logan. I always wanted to enter him in a Waterdogs contest.
Once we had kids, it was harder to take him everywhere. However I loved the fact that he was super pleasant and friendly, but if you messed with Colby or Cade you would get one angry 90lb lab. He was very protective. One of the sad parts for me is that Colby and Cade where not old enough to really see Logan in his prime. They were both too young – the Logan they saw was when he was older and not the same beast he was when he was young.
Logan developed a tumor. We had been watching it for quite some time and the last couple of months, it became aggressive. We didn’t want to put him through surgery and months of rehabilitation. As there was no way to asses how much damage the tumor had caused, even if it was removed. In the end, he was unable to walk or really even move. I would pick him up to take him outside to go tot he bathroom. He was on some strong painkillers. It was just time. On Monday night (our anniversary), we all slept in the family room, watched Star Wars, ate popcorn, had licorice. Logan had a whole package of Snausages – his favorite treat ever.
We talked to the kids about Logan and what was going to happen next. I have to admit it was hard to talk to them about a tumor and it causing problems that would ultimately end Logan’s life. Saying that Logan had a tumor like Dad does, was not so comforting. The biggest difference between Logan and me being Logan was 88 in human years, vs. me being 36 – but both having to deal with a tumor. It was a great family night with our buddy, our “first child”, our trail buddy. A great final night to spend with our Logan.
I know Logan is in heaven running, hiking, swimming, jumping off docks, and catching tennis balls, but I still miss my trail buddy.