“Because it’s there”

“Because it’s there” is a classic mountaineering quote made by George Mallory when asked why he was intent on climbing Mt. Everest.  He lead the first real attempt on the mountain from the north side, unfortunately, both he and his climbing partner, Sandy Irvine, did not make it back.   Today, that is a response that is still cited today by wilderness folks when asked the same question that Mallory was.  This question has seemed to make its way back to me in recent weeks, first back in January in which I attended a men’s retreat with a good friend and fellow climbing partner – Brian Dickinson – was also the keynote speaker, who last May climbed Mt. Everest – he ended up snow-blind and alone at the top of the world and had to work his way back down the SE ridge. To see pictures and read the full incredible account go here:

 http://www.sponsor7summits.com

Then last week Kenny was working on a project with his seniors at The Bear Creek School and they were discussing the same question:  Why?, thus we naturally had a conversation about why we both go into the wilderness   Yesterday our area was tragically hit with 4 skiing deaths via avalanche. Thus I thought I would blog about my why do things that can potentially put yourself into harm’s way:

I first got into climbing when I was in college.  I tore the labrum in my shoulder playing baseball my freshman year.  After having surgery to repair it, I basically lost the drive and desire to want to play and decided that it was time to be done with competitive sports at that point in time.  Way too much work if you heart is not in it 100%.  A good friend of mine, Brad Barnard, took me out rock climbing and I was hooked from the start.  It was both physically and mentally  challenging.  Plus provided an amazing feeling of accomplishment once you completed a route.  The views from the top were not bad either.  I started to amass gear, and we would head out whenever we could.  Madrone Wall, NE of Portland was our favorite local place to go – Currently I think that wall is now a rock quarry.  “Rising Desperations” was the name of the route that would become my nemesis.  I now had a rope, a harness, rock shoes, belay device and some locking carabiners.

I soon realized that if I really wanted to climb I needed to learn how to lead climb – thus I would not be dependent on always having someone else with me who could lead climb.  Brad started to the process to show me how to lead.  He used to always say that it is different when you are on the sharp end of the rope.  That is because on lead climb, if you do fall, you actually fall – you fall the length of your rope from the last piece of protection you place or the last bolt you clipped into.  On top rope, you really never “fall”.  It is more like the rope expands and stretches (just as it is designed to).  Mentally being on lead is completely different as there is more fear, more need to focus.  The stakes are a little bit higher, you are not completely protected as in top roping.

We then shifted gears one May and decided that Hood was to be our objective.  Really I think my first real “mountaineering” adventure was more about what not to do when you climb, then a success.  We did not make the summit, but I learned that:  1.  This is hard stuff  and 2.  I want to do some more of it.  On our first trip we had a fellow Pacific student who was acting as our “guide”  He actually forgot a bunch of his gear and then decided that he was not really into climbing Hood “again” and went down.  After heading up, just Brad and I, we decided that we did not have the skills to continue our quest and turned around just before the “Hogsback” on Mt. Hood, just before the route has aits major technical spot.  We hiked to our car, drove for a couple of hours, and then pulled off on the side of the road and slept for about two hours.  My mountaineering career was born.  I went and purchased a bunch of guide books and starting trying to get as much information as possible.  I decided that I was not going to be dependent on others as I was on Mt. Hood.  My rule was that I would only climb if I was capable and confident to be on the sharp end of the rope.  I mapped out the routes and peaks I would climb to push my limits and to make sure that I was capable of completing the route.  To this day, I still love to read maps and guide books and I seem to always be planning or reading about some peak to climb.

Unfortunately that would be my only mountaineering experience with Brad as a few years after graduating from college in 1999, he was killed in a motorcycle accident.  I have kept climbing.  It is a passion that I have pursued ever since.  After meeting my wife, Jessica, we started a life of climbing together, making ascents on mountains like Mt. Shasta, Mt. Adams, Mt. Kilimanjaro, The Grand Teton, Rainier, Eldorado then to Russia (Elbrus) in 2010 and many others.  It was, and continues to be  an amazing experience to share so many summits with my wife.

Having kids sort of changes things a little bit as all of a sudden you have someone else who is dependent upon you, thus the thought process does change on what represents an acceptable risk.  Being married to a climber didn’t change my risk tolerance much, but I do always think of her safety first when we are climbing together.  I still remember one of my first climbs when Jess was pregnant with Colby.  Jared, Andy and myself had set out to climb Pinnacle Peak in Mt. Rainier National Park.  The route has a standard walk up route on it, however we decided to do a more technical route that would require a few pitches of fifth class (rope required climbing)  We started a little bit off route and I reached a point on lead where gaining a ridge (where I figured we could reassess where we needed to go once we where there) would require two moves of about 5.7 climbing – but would not be protected, due to the lack of features.  I started to move forward, then I had this thought “David you are going to be a Dad! you can’t be climbing unprotected. “  Thus I stopped and we retraced our steps and actually got back on the correct route before proceeding.  Note: the ridge still would have worked!  But it was a change in my attitude.  I remember looking at Jared and telling him why we needed to retrace our steps (his son is a little over a month younger than Colby – Thus Jared totally got my message and understood completely where I was coming from)  The climb was a success – the three of us and a mannequin head (don’t ask) made the summit of Pinnacle Peak that day.  With kids, I do think my risk tolerance has changed to some degree.  I would like to think it has made me a little bit wiser in my choices.

However climbing naturally has inherent risk built in.  Many things can happen that are outside of your control, weather, avalanche, rockfall, etc.  Risk is always there.  Though starting with climbing, I have expanded through adventure racing to other outdoor adventures such as mountain biking, whitewater kayaking, rappelling, river-boarding, even adventure racing itself is inherent with risk – just the fact that you basically don’t sleep for days can lead to all kinds of issues.  I also do some back-country skiing (although truthfully I am not a great skier). I do better getting up and into the back-country, than skiing out.  So back to the why, here are some of my thoughts on why I do what I do:

1.  It has always been a spiritual journey for me.  Since my trip to Beyond, in the BC Coastal Range, I would argue that I need to go to the mountains to learn how to live in the valley.  From Moses to Jesus, history has shown countless examples of people going to the mountains to seek God and be closer to him.  For me there is a spiritual side to going into the mountains.  It removes the distractions, the noise,  the chaos,  just the mountains and God, it keeps it simple.  God chose a mountain as the place to reveal to everyone that Jesus was his son – the transfiguration.  Moses went to the mountain to be giving the ten commandments – God’s laws.  We go to the mountain to learn how to live below – I know the mountains represent that to me – where I can re-energize my soul – figure my actions and next steps – really learn how to live.  A place to actually listen and hear God.

2.  Iron sharpens iron.  There is something about seeing how far we can go, how far we can push, what we can do.  It is something that is sort of humanly inherent about pushing ourselves to find our breaking point.  I think with our current level of safety precautions, etc.  The wilderness is one of the last frontiers we have to explore our boundaries, our limitations, our imperfections.  We can see what we can do and what we are capable of.

3.  It’s fun.  There is nothing that provides more satisfaction than reaching a difficult goal that requires blood, sweat and tears.  The challenge is what makes the summit so rewarding.  If it was easy, then it would not have quite the same reward or provide the same satisfaction.

4.  There is something about doing an activity that requires complete focus and trust in order to perform.  You are required in the mountains to be focused, to completely trust your climbing partners, all of which makes for an activity that you keep coming back to.  I am not an adrenaline junkie, I am not a thrill seeker by any means.  Folks who have been in the mountains with me I think would completely attest to that statement, for me it is not about the thrill.  But the focus and the trust piece is intoxicating to some degree.  For the most part I am more of a wimp in terms of the adrenaline rush than I am a junkie.

5.  The bonds that are formed in the mountains and during sports such as adventure racing are amazing, forever, deep and strong.  Since you must 100% trust your teammates, rope team members, etc. with your life.  You build bonds that are beyond description, you work together to accomplish things as a group that are not possible as an individual.  Those friendships are so, deep, so amazing it is hard to explain, but that is one of the things I love about the wilderness, it brings out the best in us.

6.  It provides a passion to life.  Without passion, life is pretty boring.  Now do I think that a passion should push people to go beyond their limits and risk life – no I am not saying that, but I think it is important to have things that inspire and drive us.  Without which, life is mundane and boring.  Some could say that golf would be a better passion, I agree that golf can be a great passion – something that drives people to work hard to want to be on the course every moment.  That is the same type of passion that drives some of us to the wilderness.

I know there are people who say that folks who do the types of things that I do are selfish by nature.  I do not agree with that that either.  What I do know is that both my boys can ski pretty well for any age and are both loving it and I love seeing their excitement and passion for something.  That is part of what it is all about.  And now, for me, after being faced head on with a brain tumor, honestly it lends me to say that I think you can live your entire life and be afraid to live with passion and experiences and still end up with something nasty like cancer that in the end will still take your life.  Thus be filled with passion and exuberance – live life.  I think that after being diagnosed with the tumor, I am glad that I have some amazing experiences with which to reflect on, some great stories to tell.  Plus as I have said before, my experiences with pain and suffering have trained me to be able to deal with the side affects of chemo – I think better than the average person.  I can suffer with a smile.  I know what it means to puke your guts out from 16,800 feet to 19,400 and never consider turning around.  It has shaped me and made me prepared for my next chapter in my life.  It also pushes me along by giving me something to reach for in the coming months:  Mt. Olympus in July!  I know that these items will still not satisfy everyone, but this is some of why I do what I do.  And yes I do plan on teaching my boys to climb (as long as they want to)  However I do admit it is all about moderation (I am quoting Brad there).  All things need to be done in moderation or they can be bad.  Obsession, summit fever – those are bad things indeed and can lead to tragedy.  It is also about getting the correct training, gear and partners to keep you safe and having fun.  For example when I go into the back-country on skis – I have an avalanche beacon, a shovel, a ski buddy and I will not go if the avalanche danger is considerable or above.  I have my rules and I stick to them.  I also leave a detailed description of my local and route with someone, who will also be my check-in person and  are informed of when to worry and how to proceed if I am late.  I have a working SPOT device that is a GPS device that can track my location and can all 911 for me.  I have taken avalanche training classes and crevasse rescue classes.  I always carry a map, compass and the ten essentials.  I think I am pretty prepared and try the best I can to limit my risk.  Again you can’t limit everything, but I have always been determined to still be around my boys at an old age.  Have I ever been late from a climb – Yes.  Have I made some poor choices on a mountain – Yes – Chair Peak.  But I learn from them and the stories of others – “Between a Rock and a Hard Place” Have I had to show up at Paradise at 5am looking for people who should have been back the night prior – Yes.   But in it all I can only control those things that I can control and the rest is out of my hands and up to God.  So to everyone Climb On!  DG  DEH

The Challenge of Grace

So it has been a little while since my last post, mainly my life has been busy.  Work is picking up – busy season is here, I am still pushing forward as best I can to stay healthy and battle Goliath.  My beautiful bride turned a year “younger” a week ago – a huge Happy Birthday to her – Love you Jess, and Colby sang in his first grade concert.  Lots of things, lots of fun.   I spent four days in Southwest Utah with some great buds.  Jared put the trip together a while back, and Jacob and Andy joined us. It was two incredible days in Zion National Park – we hiked Angels Landing and went to the Subway – an inspirational, breath-taking canyon.  The sun was out, it was a few great days of feeling “normal” again, going on an adventure, laughing, joking, just being with some people who have been by my side for as long as I can remember.

Today marks the final day of chemo cycle number three.  It was a little nerve wracking as both boys had coughs and fevers. I picked up some of the cough, but did not get the fever, thankfully.  The cycle seemed to go similar to the others – meaning manageable and not the most difficult thing ever, but at the same time I am always amazed at how much it knocks me off my feet. I felt good coming in, strong, in decent shape, but man the stuff just knocks me on my butt.  The amount of fatigue is always shocking to me.

My current challenge has been a condition of my heart – the challenge of grace.  And honestly it is one that I am not doing very well at.  I think right now it ranks up with my penmanship and my spelling – not good at all.  Grace can be defined as receiving something that we do not deserve, or in the act of giving grace, it is to give something to someone that they do not deserve or have not earned.  I live in a world of debits and credits, for every credit, there must be a debit – if everything is correct, then everything is in balance, everything is equal, the debits and credits add up.  However grace works beyond this world, grace is the one sided journal entry that despite violating all the rules, it is very much completely accurate and correct, yet does not follow any of the rules.  The perfect adjustment.

Two of my favorite books in the bible are 1st and 2nd Samuel – The story of King David.  He was the boy who would slay a giant, we would be the King of Isreal for forty years, the best musician of his time and perhaps one of the greatest ever.  He lead his army to victory every time he stepped on the battle field.  People sang songs about his military successes.    He was dubbed a “man after God’s own heart.”  Yet as the same time he was a sinner, he failed miserably in many parts of his life – he committed adultery, murder, he let his pride get the best of him, he was a poor father.  He was flawed just like me, like everyone, yet God still chose his lineage to bring forth his son Jesus. There is a lot to learn from this man that experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  There is a great story about David and grace that paints a perfect picture of what grace should look like.

Samuel 1 Chapter 30 holds the complete version, but here is my paraphrase.  Basically David is on the run from Saul.  Saul is the current King, but God has left him and chosen David to be the next King all because Saul disobeyed God.  Saul is threatened by David because David is to inherit his throne.  Thus he tries to kill David.  As David is running, he decides to hang out with the Philistines – the enemy, however he figures that he will be most safe from Saul there as Saul will not look for him there.  During his time on the run, David has amassed an army of around six hundred fellow outcasts who look to David to lead them – these are men who are running from something just like David.  While hiding with the Philistines, the Philistines decide to go to war against Saul.  David agrees to go to keep his cover, so his men go with him and the Philistines to march against Saul.  However the presence of the one who defeated Goliath in their ranks disturbs some of the Philistine generals, thus they send David home, afraid of betrayal.  So David and his men leave the march, however when they get back to their homes, they find that the Amalekites  have raided their homes, kidnapped their women and children and have plundered all of their possessions.  David’s men are naturally angry as this happened while they were following David’s orders to a battle they would not be apart of.  Thus David inquires of God on what to do. God tells him to pursue the Amalekites.  So he gathers his six hundred men and they proceed forth chasing the Amalekites.  They follow them to the Brook of Besor – a small stream in a ravine.  At this point two hundred of his men decide they are too tired to continue and choose to remain at the brook to drink and rest – they have been on their feet for quite some time at this point.  David and the remaining four hundred men proceed forth with the chase.  They find the Amalekites and slaughter them.  They reclaim their women, children, and possessions, plus add some of the Amalekites items.  Success!  They then travel the same long road back, stopping again at the Brook of Besor.  Here they find the men who stayed behind.  The men turn to David and say those that did not go past the brook should only receive their wives and children, but should not share in the plunder because they did not continue on, but rested.  This seems logical, they rested while the others pursued the enemy. They slept and drank, while a battle raged on.  Even getting their wives and children back in these circumstances seems very generous.  However, David has none of that and gives every man, regardless of whether they rested at Besor or not, a full share in the plunder.  They rested, they stopped, yet they are still participating in the spoils.  Why?  Because David provides these men grace.  He allows them something that they did not deserve, something they did not earn, yet he is adamant that all should share equally.  Grace is more than forgiveness.  Forgiveness would be to give those men back their wives and children, and not kill them for disobeying orders, but grace is also giving them a share in the plunder.  Chasing an enemy for several days, tired exhausted, angry, would we have been able to have given the gift of grace that David did?  I know I would like to say sure I would, but honestly I do not think I can say that.  It is easy to say we would give grace, but I can tell you from my experience it is much easier said than done.  Not just to wipe the offense away, but to reach down and pull up the offender out of the mire, that is hard.  That is not what the world would do.  That is not keeping things in balance.

Jesus did it when he died on the cross for us, he was innocent of the charges brought before him, yet he died on the cross for things he did not do, to provide us with grace, the bridge to God in which we do not have to pay the full price of our transgressions – which is death.  He allows us to live through his grace.  He splits the plunder with us even though we do not deserve it because we stayed back and waited at the brook of Besor, sleeping, drinking, tired, beat down.  Part of my process of dealing with Goliath is to learn some of the lessons of David and in this case lend grace, even though it does not add up, the debit and credits are off, but it is what God has commanded me to do.  Thus I am praying that I can have the strength, courage and dedication to follow through on this request.  I pray that we can all provide the gift of grace when it is called for us to do. And when it seems too hard, think of David and the Brook of Besor.

Romans Chapter 3:

²² This righteousness is given through faith in^[h] Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, ²³ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ²⁴ and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. ²⁵ God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement,^[i] through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished

One foot after the other…. DG  DEH

Independence

If someone where to ask me, ” What is the biggest thing you have learned during this process?”  my answer would be that I have learned how to function being dependent on others.  For quite some time, I have been a very independent person, I am comfortable with who I am and fine with being alone.  I have spent lots of time on the trail, with just the dirt and myself. There are people out there that constantly like to be surrounded by other people – I am not one of those .  I think over the years this character trait has been a positive as it has helped me to succeed in accomplishing my goals.  In thinking about how I came to be independent, I think some of it stems from dealing with some issues with rejection and teasing that occurred when I was younger.  I know I have blogged about this in more detail, so I will spare re-hashing some of the story.  But in a nutshell, for a period, I was an overweight little kid, teased, rejected,  lacking confidence, lacking belief in who I was and what I could do. In overcoming those feelings, I became independent as I result.  Trusting and relying on myself.  However since Goliath, I have now realized that I am completely dependent, I can’t be independent now.  I am not capable of functioning in my normal life without help.  I know that as things progress this will not be the case forever, however in the short term, I am relying on others to help me to do what I need to do.  This was very evident today as my normal ride to work is on a work business trip, thus out of town. I got a ride to work and figured that I would just take the bus home.  However as I plotted out my route home from work, I realized that the bus from Bellevue to Snoqualmie doesn’t start running until 4pm each day, meaning that if I am off at 2:30, that is a long time to wait in order to get home.  A co-worker’s spouse ended up giving me a lift home. Thanks Tony!  Prior to Goliath, I was the type of person that just would have grabbed my bike and rode in to work.  (which I have done several times before) I would not have thought twice about it.  The concept, I have a problem, then I will fix it.  Notice the I’s in that sentence.  As much as being independent has been an asset, I also realize that at the same time that it has been a weakness of mine, I think it has allowed me to put up some walls and not let people in.  Also I think it has made me probably not be as openly appreciative of people as  I am on the inside.   My senior year of college, I was at a party and was talking to some people whom I had been in multiple business classes with over my four years.  One of the people looked at me and said “Its funny I always thought you were kind of stuck-up, however now that I am really talking with you, that is not the case at all.”  I then asked why they felt that way.  The response “You are quiet, however not in a shy way, just quiet, yet you always got some of the best grades of anyone and always have carried a sort of a confidence about yourself, thus I assumed that you were stuck-up.”  That conversation came to my mind as I was thinking about the concept of confidence.  I have never meant to appear that way or in some cases not make people feel appreciated fully, but I think sometimes, my independent nature gets in the way of that.  It pushes people out, builds walls and keeps me “safe”.  I am now learning that it is OK to really and truly need other people in my life as “sometimes, you just can’t do it all on your own.”  This experience has been that not so gentle reminder that my role in my life belongs in the passenger seat and not as the driver.  The driver’s seat has already been reserved for someone else.  I just need to be a passenger and let God drive, but I am also required to let the folks in the back seat know that I appreciate and love them.   The truth is that I need and want to have people in my life who I am dependent on.  Steel is refined with fire, maybe I am just being refined by a brain tumor.  DEH

Superman wears underwear

Some days I feel like Superman, I feel good, I get in some good workouts.  Work goes well, I feel normal, like I can take on the world.  Nothing is impossible, everything is within reach, victory, all my goals and dreams.  Then Wham! I get smacked with a hard case of reality.  Today I took my emergency anti-seizure meds for the first time. While sitting at work I really thought I was going to have a seizure.  The room was spinning, I was seeing stars and black spots, I couldn’t focus my eyes on anything,  my body was tense, I was very nervous.  I sat on the floor in the middle of my office so that if one occurred I would not hit my head on anything.   A seizure did not occur, however I called Jess to come pick me up and went home.  I took my emergency anti-seizure meds and  it completely wiped me out.   I was out cold and napped for several hours.  I woke up in a daze, in a fog, just out of it.  I am on the upswing from my chemo treatments, meaning I actually feel really good, so it was frustrating to have to endure a hard day.  But a good reminder that I am human, not Superman.  Really this was the first time in over a month I felt I was close to having a seizure.  I am currently on the lowest dose of anti seizure meds, since my surgery however.  (As long as this is isolated, I don’t plan on telling  my docs either, as I don’t want to be on more meds – I like to have mental clarity – or at least as much clarity as I can possibly have!)  I think the lesson to take away here  is to remember that Superman wears underwear too!  DEH

Slaying the Mastodon

This past weekend I saw the movie Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud.  Basically it is the story of a boy who loses his dad on 9-11 and how he deals with the grief that follows losing his dad.  He finds a key and embarks on a quest to find what the key is for and what it will open.  It is a good movie, emotional, especially for a father who is battling Goliath and has two boys.  His quest to discover what the key is for, made me think that he was “slaying his mastodon.”  This is a term that I first heard coined by Roger, who was on my adventure racing team during Primal Quest.  When Jared, Roger, and I were trying to figure out if we should compete in Primal Quest (The issue was that you had to have a women on your team – which we did not have on our team when we signed up, also the race is expensive – so we committed to the funds not knowing if we would even have an official team. – We took the step in faith and ended up finding a female teammate and sponsorship)  Roger said that the race would be his “Mastodon.”  Roger is a great guy in my book and always welcome on my rope team anytime, anyplace. (for non-climbers, I might need to write a post that explains the concept of putting someone on your rope team – basically trusting that person completely with your life.)  A Mastodon is an extinct animal that is elephant like, but much hairier.  The idea behind that term was that by doing that race it would somehow provide clarity and sense to a world that doesn’t always make sense.  In the Movie, the boy begins his quest to slay his Mastodon, by looking for the purpose of the key.  He is struggling to make sense of this new world, the loss of his father, who is the one person who seemed to understand him and make the world seem right and normal.  So he throws himself into this quest with the key.  Mastodons can be anything in our lives that we charge ourselves into, thinking that somehow, someway, once we slay the beast, the sun will be a little brighter, the grass a little greener and we will then be able to understand a world that sometimes make absolutely no sense.  It can be a race, a mountain,  a job, a quest, a key, anything that we somehow think and believe will complete us or allow us to realize our purpose in life.  It is something we choose to make a priority.  The problem with the mastodon is that there is always another one – they used to come in herds, meaning you slay one and the next thing you know, you see another.  Mountains and races are similar, you spend months training for a climb, you then summit the mountain, however while looking out from the top, you see many other peaks that need to be climbed, thus before you even get back to the car you are already planning the next climb.  Or with a race, you finish, feel the pain for just a little bit, and then you start thinking about the next one.  Even finishing Primal Quest was sort of anti-climatic, as you spend days, attacking the course.  Eight and a half days, 60,000 feet of gain and over 500 miles, yet as good as the finish feels, it is sort of a let down.  As the finish can’t relay the blood, sweat, tears, and moments – good and bad  that went into getting across the finish line.  In the movie, the discovery of the purpose of the key, does not complete Oskar, it does not for him provide clarity on what happened to his dad.  It doesn’t make a world that is confusing, difficult, and incomprehensible all of a sudden make sense.  But his journey allows him to find a mother that he had lost connection with.  He learns to forgive and love a grandfather he did not know he had.  He learned that he really didn’t need to go on a quest to look for his dad, for his dad lives inside him and never left his side.  He overcomes fears.  He helps others along his journey to understand the importance of life and provides healing for them.  The reality is that no quest, no race, no job, no mountain can ever fulfill us.  It will never allow us to make sense of a world that we may never fully understand.  But just sometimes the journey is what can save us.  It can allow us to see what we are missing, allow people to carry us when we need a lift.  It can show us love, forgiveness, sacrifice, hope, joy, belief, trust and most of all faith.  Learning to trust in what we cannot see, learning that there is something better beyond this life, something better than the summit of a mountain, something better than a race personal best, something better than slaying the beast.   We go searching for something we think we need and we find the things that we really need.  DEH

Some lyrics to a Bebo Norman Song:

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

Scar

For the first time the other day, I was looking at my head in the mirror – specifically my scar and was frustrated.  At the time I was super tired, feeling queasy and the boys were wanting to play, but I was just not feeling up to it and needed to rest.  My scar looks great, I think the surgeon did a great job and my head has healed nicely.  I am not worried about the physical appeal or my appearance in any way.  I am not, nor have never been, fashionable in any way shape or form.  I still think flannel and long johns are cool to wear.   Actually I think the reverse mohawk will soon be the new “in” look, which I guess makes me cutting edge.  My frustration is when I look in the mirror and see this constant reality of my new life, my new mountain, my new struggle.  The reason dad is too tired to play, to go skiing today, just plain not healthy enough to do all things that both the boys and I would like to, all relates back to the reason for the scar.  Although I fully intend to continue to accomplish my goals and dreams despite Goliath, in some ways I can never go back again.  I am different now and will always be different.  It is sort of like in the Lord of the Rings (unless you have only watched the movies and think the end is all happy and roses) the Shire is not the same, when Sam and Frodo return after the ring is destroyed.   Everything is different, the Shire has now been exposed to and ruled by evil.  You can never go back again. They found so hard to destroy the ring so that they could go back to the Shire, but in reality those events made it so they could never go back.  Things would just never be like they were prior to the ring.   My scar is like that, a reminder that no matter what I will never be the same again.  I am not saying that things will be bad, just that things will forever be different. As long as I carry the scar, my life will never quite be the same.  I do think it can be great and I will still be able to do lots of amazing things.  Just different. DEH

The Good, the frustrating, and the “Really that is where I am at Comment”

So this past weekend, I attended a men’s retreat near White Pass.  It was lots of fun.  I lift skied for the first time since my surgery.  I was a little worried about my vision processing of objects (mainly other skiers) as the couple of weeks after surgery that was an issue.  However I felt great and no issues.  It was a big step for me to feel like I am for sure moving towards being “normal.”  I had great support and folks watching out for me on the slopes in Brain, Jason and Sean.   Brian was the keynote speaker for the event – it is always fun to hear his Everest story and miracle on the mountain.  I was also able to speak about preparation.  I think it went well and I was able to get my point across, however I felt like I was talking too fast, but was emotional and still couldn’t slow myself down.  Good to have time away to pray, relax, hear some great messages and hang with some good buds.  That was the good.  The frustrating was dealing with insurance trying to get my chemo meds for round two.   On 1/1/12 there was a legislative change that now has oral chemo treated like a medical procedure – meaning subject to your co-insurance, where in 2011, it was covered under pharmacy.  The difference paying $30 versus my 80/20 split – granted I will hit my max out of pocket for the year, so I will pay that amount regardless.  But sort of a shocker when you are expecting to only pay $30.     It just left me feeling pretty frustrated Monday night.  After getting everything worked out on Tuesday I sent off an email to Jess, my sister and my mom, giving them an update on what I had found out.  My comment was “well this is sort of good news”.  I thought to myself, really is this where I am at?  Happy about “sort of good news”  I decided I am ready for some “real” good news, not “sort of” good news.  Like the tumor is gone – not just that it is “only” a stage II tumor.  (Granted I do think it could be lots worse, so I am thankful and greatful!)  But still I am ready for just some Great, Happy, Wonderful news!

This type of news and celebration:

1 Samuel 18:6

New International Version (NIV)

 ⁶ When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres.

Here are the notes from my short talk on preparation:

Preparation

Quick timeline on history of events, etc. history of what has happened. The thought that honestly there are some things that you just can’t really prepare for – for me this is one of them, however now that the process has started, here are some things that I have tried to do to be prepared for this next big obstacle in my life.

“Success occurs at the crossroads of opportunity and preparation.” You need both in order to have success.

Opportunity is a little bit more challenging as we do not always have control of when it comes. But Preparation we do. We should always be ready so that when opportunity comes knocking we can capitalize on it. Here are some things that we can do and items that I have been focusing on, since my journey began:

1. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best: Make sure the you are ready for the worst case scenario, so that you are always prepared for everything, but don’t dwell on the negatives, remain hopeful that you will not need to worry about the bad stuff. When I first got the call after my MRI, saying that I need to see the doctor immediately, my heart sank, I knew it was bad news, When I went to the Neurologist, I expected to hear bad news, which it was. Then I was schedule for the Neuro – Surgery, again I at least went mentally through the worst possible things, which was cancer somewhere else in my body that moved to my brain. Though the doctor could not guarantee this until the biopsy, he felt strongly that it was indeed just a brain tumor. Then I came to surgery, I got all of my legal affairs, will, etc. in order so that things were set in case something happened. The next meeting was the results of the biopsy. I prepared myself mentally to hear that I had an aggressive late stage tumor and would only have a year or two to live. When the results came in that I have a slow growing, type 2 of 4 tumor I was ecstatic – the average life expectancy of my type of tumor is 12 years (which doesn’t factor in health, age, etc.) Plus my tumor is chromosome deficient, which means that therapy works much better on my type of tumor. In the end I felt like hope prevailed as everything came out much better than the worst case scenario.
2. Know what you know, know what you don’t know:

1. Know what you know: It is important to know what you know as you don’t want to change everything just because a new challenge is there. Thus I have continued to get out hike, bike, ski, etc. Granted I have made a few modifications – such as wearing a helmet more. However I plan on doing the same things I did before. 1Samual – the story of David and Saul’s gear, prior to defeating Goliath. He choose to stick with what he knew, not use armor that he had no idea how to use.  By sticking with the sling shot, some stones and his trust in God, he was able to take down the giant.
2. Know what you don’t know; The key here is to ask questions and do the research. Don’t pretend to know – go find the answer. I have reached out to other neurologists and surgeons to make sure that my treatment is on track. I had my cousin who is a nurse pull all of the standard procedural information on people with my tumor. All of this to gather as much information as possible and explore my options. Proper planning can save you. Story about Chair Peak. Basically it was early in my climbing career, I did not bring the proper gear, the weather was not good and I got over my head, however my love of maps and pre-planing saved me as I was able to know that I had another option to get down the mountain and it worked, we descended a different route down that was doable, rather than risk a major fall on the route we took up the mountain.

3. Push, Recover: It is good to push, but you also need to recover, thus the times I have pushed myself, I have also built in recovery time so that I don’t push too hard. For example a week ago I did a 23 mile bike ride, but then planed for a 2 hour nap the next day. Recovery time is just as critical as workout time.  But for some reason it can be hard to make time for rest and recovery.
4. Make it reasonable: I have had to adjust my standards so that my expectations are reasonable. If you have only climbed Mt. Si. I would not recommend booking a trip to Everest.
5. Get a headlamp: If you want to make everything work you need to be creative and move your schedule around to make things fit and work.  At my high school, the weight room used to have this quote: “Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.” Find the time. It might be going early or late and in the dark by headlamp, but you need to make it happen.  It needs to be a priority in your life.
6. Keep the Faith: Things get hard, the obstacles seem to grow, but you faith will get you through. God has carried me through many things in my life and I believe he will bring me through this a well. If faith were easy, then everyone would have it. Sort of a version of my earlier post on faith, Jesus said that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we can move mountains, not just climb them.

Round two of Temador is in motion…one day down, four to go…  DEH

Trooper

Being a Trooper – what does it mean?  It basically means that sometimes in life we have  path that we have to take that is not fun, nor our choice, but it is the road that we must go down.  I was thinking about this the other night, as Jess was out with friends and I had the boys.  I asked them what should we do?  Of course the responses were Star Wars, XBox, and Angry Birds.  But I told them nope, no screen time tonight, you need to choose something else.  The decision was made to create  costumes.  So we got out tape, markers, paper plates, rubber bands and glue and made cool Star Wars masks.  Colby made a Clone Trooper mask, I helped Cade with a Yoda Mask and then I made a General Grievous mask for myself.  I thought they turned out pretty good and we had a lot of fun making them and then having a good lightsaber battle in costume afterwards was sort of the icing on the cake.  We play a lot of Star Wars. Yes I am a bit of a junkie and have created two boys that follow suit, especially Colby.  Heck I even still have all of my old Stars Wars toys from when I was a kid, we play with those as well, an AT-AT, the Ewok Village, the Millennium Falcon, some great stuff.

After my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, my sister got him a Storm Trooper figure, the theory being, you are just going to have to be a trooper and deal with what is to come.  It was cool.  And yes my Dad was a trooper, he did what he was supposed to do.  Dealt with unimaginable pain as his bones began to break and disintegrate.  But he battled on.  One of the best moments was in his final days.  I used to bug him about exercising and doing his PT routine all the time, constantly asking “Did you do your walk and exercises today?”  After being on life support and completely out of it for several days, he came to.  He called me in, it was a very late hour, but he wanted to go through his exercises.  He was sort of out of it, on lots of pain meds, he  had just had emergency surgery and was on a ventilator a few days prior, yet I helped him go through all of his exercises that night.  A few days later he died.  That was our last quality time together, and it was a great moment for me.  Sort of the idea that we are going to keep moving forward and keep on the path despite what is going on, no matter how dark the hour looks.  Simply be a trooper.  Not making the orders, just following them out, because that is your job.  Dealing with pain, hurt, and crap simply because that is the path that is set before you.  Just be a Trooper!  DEH

1/5/12 Dr. Appointment

Today I had a doctor’s appointment.  My blood levels in terms of red and white blood cells are doing great.  Which means that I am on to my 2nd chemo cycle, which begins next week.  I also had a good discussion about my anti-seizure medication.  Finally I am going to be moving down to only one drug.  Currently I am taking two, but on one of them, I have been unable to get to the proper levels, which means that it has not really been protecting me, thus if it is not working, why be on it.  Once I am down to 1 medication, then we are going to switch to a new drug and get me off Keppra, (which I think has been the cause of my agitation feelings)  This is all great news!  finally I will be down to only one medication and hopefully it will not be impacting my mood and brain as much!  It was nice to go to the Doctor and feel like I came away with positive news for a change.  February will be my first MRI to check on Goliath and see if the chemo is working.  Onward I go!  PMA  DEH

Kicking the Dog

Today was a hard day.  It started off good, ended OK, but in the middle it was hard.  I have come across a new foe, agitation.  I think it might be the meds, as my issues started when they switched up my anti-seizure medications a few weeks back.  However I feel agitated and frustrated quite a bit.  Like I am a corked bottle of rage ready to explode.  As a kid I used to hold my breath until I would pass out in order to get my way. (talk about a way to freak your mom out!)  Then as I got older I would be a complete poor sport and would break stuff when I lost or would just freak out and be angry.  Not good stuff.  I felt like as I got older, I learned how to deal and not be filled with anger and aggression.  Also I learned to not let things impact me and let myself get all out of sorts.  I even got to the point where I felt like I had pretty good patience.  I learned the ability to work with people who had never been in the mountains to allow them to reach higher than they had ever been before.  However lately, I feel like I am continually “kicking the dog.”  No I am not physically kicking Logan.  It is the term I use for displaced anger.  The concept that we have a bad day, or are struggling with things and when we get home we take those frustrations out on others.  Typically our spouse, our kids, or our pets,  those people who are not responsible and ones that we love and do not want to hurt, but they somehow are the objects of our frustration, anger, or whatever, for no other reason then that they are there.  Sort of like we get home and kick the dog, why because he is there and he barked when I got home, no other reason.  Jonah provides a great example of displaced anger.  After he finally listens to God and heads to Nineveh and tells them to repent – they do and God spares them from destruction.  However Jonah is mad, because he thinks the town and all of the people should have been wiped out.  Jonah leaves the city and heads out nearby to sit and watch what happens in the town, however he is in the desert.  God allows a vine to grow that provides shade for Jonah.  He likes this as it is extremely hot, Jonah is pleased and happy.  Then the next day God sends a worm to eat that plant, the worm does and the plant dies.  Jonah is now pissed off that the plant is dead as he has to suffer the heat and the wind now as his shelter is gone.  God then calls him out, asking why he is mad about the plant and carrying on about it when Jonah did nothing to care for the plant or help it to grow,  The real truth is that he is mad about God showing grace to Nineveh, the plant just provided a nice reason for him to lash out in anger.     See Jonah Chapter 4.  The truth is I don’t want to kick the dog and have Jess and the boys deal with a short tempered, cranky person.  No matter what the reason, it is not how I want to feel or be.  But how do we deal with displaced anger?

Some of my thoughts

1.  Pray about it

2.  Find a release, whether it be reading, exercise, napping, quiet time, music, whatever, we need to hold those demons at bay and make sure we find our “happy place.”

3.  Acknowledgement, we need to recognize when we have those feelings so that we can be proactive in dealing.  As words and actions are one of those things, that really can’t be taken back.

4.  Seek grace and refuge from those feelings.

Paul’s words:

1 Corinthians 15:10
But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me—and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace.

We need to seek that special favor so we can keep ourselves from giving into displaced anger.  Through Grace all things are possible.  A special thanks to Jess, Colby and Cade for having to deal with me at times during this journey – not all days are good – the goal is more good than bad. Love you.  DEH