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April 17, 2012

There is a great line from a Tom Petty song the says “I’m so tired of being tired.” It’s from the song “Crawling back to you”  from the album Wildflowers.  I feel like that is a very fitting statement for me right now.  I am a void of energy.  A couple of days ago (granted I was on a chemo cycle but still) I went for a two mile hike with Colby and Cade and then we also went with Brian and his two kids, Emily and Jordan.  So we were going a the kids pace, meaning slowly.  I got home and then proceeded to take a two hour nap.  I felt like I had just finished a 24 hour adventure race. Just zapped of energy, beat down, tired, exhausted.  Overall my ability to rally is gone. This has been a sobering and humbling part of this journey of mine.  As I used to think that I could always rally and that sleep in some ways was overrated and not always necessary.  Short on time, the answer was simple, just go through the night.  Take a good headlamp and your problem is solved, more time!  Now just about every night I find myself falling asleep playing Lego Star Wars with the boys or even in the middle of a lightsaber fight.  For all of you that are wondering, my lightsaber is a purple Mace Windu and yes I have my own.  Because of my energy levels, I feel like I am letting them down.  Granted they can tell you that it is because I am on chemo and when I have to take the drugs to shrink the tumor, Dad just gets tired, but I always wonder if they really can “understand” what that means.   It is one of the biggest challenges I face, having them see their Dad as being run down, tired, unable to play, unable to rally.  The fear that they have a conversation with their friends and then either Colby or Cade  will say that their Dad is too tired to play and have fun or that their Dad is tired all the time.  That leaves me with a knot in my stomach.  In the end though, all I can do is push forward, keep moving forward, sometimes slow, but always forward.  Do the best I can to keep my energy levels up and make sure that I maximize our play time together.  I think coming into this I was a pretty healthy, active person, so I can only imagine going through these chemo cycles being someone who is neither of those things.

Here is some encouragement for those of us how are weary:

From Isaiah 40

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Moving forward, though sometimes at a slow pace…


4 Comments leave one →
  1. John Lynn permalink
    April 17, 2012 8:53 pm

    David-what is great about the kids is they have a dad who would plays with them at kid games but then teaching them about God’s wonders as you hike with them. KEY-you are there. Many dads today are not home when then are at home. Your still their role model and a darn good one!!!!

  2. Jean Grass permalink
    April 18, 2012 8:34 am

    Courage is more important than strength. I think it is not a bad thing that your boys are learning early that everyone needs to rely on God for strength. Hang in there!

  3. duvallgirl permalink
    April 18, 2012 8:35 am

    I have seen many a Dad in action, and you are the cream of the crop. You think I might be biased as your sister, but this is from an unbiased persepctive on what I see in the world. The boys only know what it is like to have YOU, so therefore, they will grow up with high expecations of a father because you are a great one. For how much you work, you are more in tune with their lives than most. You engage with them in so many unique ways from whta I have seen. I will never forget when I came over close after your surgery and you were sitting there playing games with them when you probably should have been in bed. You were just rallying through it. So you definitely can still rally! I thought wow, don’t know another Dad (or parent) who would be able to do that.

  4. Julie Dow permalink
    April 18, 2012 10:10 pm

    I know you feel different and that it’s understandably frustrating. But you should feel nothing but pride in the job you are doing as a father. You and Jess are raising two wonderful boys who will turn into amazing men. Just like their dad.

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