When Thanks is not enough

First off my recovery is going well.  Not as fast as I would like, but everything is in order.  Hoping by mid September I should be close to being back to doing many of the things I love.  I was hoping for mid-August, but I don’t really have anything to complain about considering what could have happened.

Honestly,  I feel like I have written something like this before.  I told myself not to go through my blog to see, as its on my heart, so if it gets said again, then it must be important.

After being injured,  I have been completely overwhelmed by the support; from prayers, monetary donations, meal train, etc.  It has completely blown me away.   I know that myself and my family are so thankful for what everyone has done. I don’t really know what to say as “thank you” just doesn’t seem like enough.  However it is all I can say.  Thank you.  We ate like kings, all of the medical bills are covered, we are truly blessed in spite of the accident.  I still have people asking what they can do to help.  I am not worthy of all of this. That is where grace comes in.

Grace is a challenging thing.  My personal definition is when we receive something we don’t deserve or we are spared from punishment that our actions deserve.  Grace is freely given, and it expects nothing in return.  That is why it is so magical. We receive something we don’t deserve and didn’t earn, yet it is ours, no strings attached.  No price to pay.  This is something that is totally foreign in today’s world.  We reap what we sow, we keep what we earn, and karma will always even the slate.

I have to remind  myself that this is grace.  People are providing grace.  I tell myself that I just need to accept it as. I have not earned it, nor is there a way for me to “pay-off” this outpouring of support.  I feel like, I am living in a constant state of grace.  I have been asked if I ever have asked God why I ended up with brain cancer.  The truth is, I do, but my question is not why did I end up with brain cancer, it is why was I spared with an Oligodendroglioma?  Why was grace given to me?  If you google my cancer, yes you will find that there is no known cure, but you will also find that the average life expectancy is 12 years.  When you take brain cancers as a whole 40% of the people diagnosed with brain cancer don’t make it 5 years.  I am just about 9 years into this thing and doing good.   Grace.  Falling head first 30 feet into a granite rock wall and not needing any surgeries or having any permanent injuries.  Grace.  The outpouring of community love and support after my injury.  Grace.  Really this is the second time people have rallied around me.  Double grace. It is hard as I don’t feel worthy of all of this love and support.  I have to again learn to accept grace.

When I was first diagnosed, I was extremely active in the brain cancer world. I was on the board at Endbraincancer.com.  My Rotary Club organized a fund raiser. It was an accapella singing night, that featured groups from UW and the University of Oregon.  The event was awesome and raised funds for EndBrainCancer.com .  As part of the promotion for the event, the local paper ran a story about the event and interviewed me.  After the article ran I received a call from a potential client asking to meet about valuing his business.  When we met, I learned his entire story, he was battling a GBM.  He had recently started a business and it was doing well, but he was reaching a point where he needed to sell his interest because he couldn’t work anymore.  The business was just now starting to take off.  I valued his business and he sold his interest to his partners.  I saw him at the Seattle Brain Cancer walk that following year.  However, not the year after that.  I did some digging and found that he had passed away.  He had a young growing business, was married with a young child.  Yet he was taken too early.  For some reason, when I think about “fairness” with respect, I think of him.  Why did he end up with a GBM and not me.  I struggle to reconcile why I was proved grace and not him.  I realize, that life is not fair and there is not a good answer to my question.  I need to accept the grace that I have been provided and know it is not earned, there is no debt, there isn’t a ledger.  It is just so hard to accept sometimes.

I am going to learn to accept what has been given and do my best to try and pay that kindness forward, and not focus on my own thoughts of unworthiness.

Thank you for all of your kindness, it is appreciated from the bottom of my soul.

DEH

DG

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